Paid For By The Committee To Make Me Super Rich

OMG shoes.

Sweet, sweet feet covers.

I got new Converse. TWO PAIRS AT THE SAME TIME. My life is like Christmas, but all the time. Anyway, enough bragging about how super I am. I've recently realized that it would really be in everyone's best interest if I became super rich at some point in the future. How rich, you ask? Rich enough that I every time I felt like buying someone something, I could. Picture this:
Random friend: "I wish I had a Kindle, those things are hip-hoppin phresh, yo!"
One week later
Me: "Hello friend, I bought you a Kindle and a gift card for $100 on Amazon so you can start buying books! I hope it brings you great joy for the rest of your life!"
Random friend: "Thanks dawg! I finna get my read on at the local libary!"
*Scampers off through the wheat field*

This is how happy that guy is right now. You know you want in on that.

Sure, people say money doesn't buy happiness, but you know what? I think those people are doing something wrong. For me, money means not only can I go out and buy stuff that I want, I can get people stuff that they want too. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside like there's a burning poodle in my chest. I didn't realize this until recently, but I really love giving people things and compliments. Watching someone's eyes light up when I say something as simple as "Your hair looks really good today" makes me feel as good as the person getting complimented. And showing up with a present that you wanted but couldn't get yourself? Oh MAN, that's a good day for me.

So, let's review. I get a billion dollars, and the rest of you guys get to have cool stuff cause I like you. No downside. Plus I'd get to wear this thing everyday:

And ain't nothing wrong with that.

Just think about it. And stay on my good side, no stuff for the people I don't like.