Cartoons: Not Just For Kids And Slackers Anymore

First off, I'm pretty sure my legs have been cursed by Thore, Lisping God of Muthcle Acheth and Painth. Seriously, standing and walking haven't been this hard since I was two and my little chubby legs could just barely support my fat ass.
Second, apparently all the guys at my school (myself included) are only good at challenges that involve eating or playing video games. All the stereotypes are apparently true, alert the media.

And now... The healing can truly begin.

So, after losing every challenge at Battle of the Sexes that didn't involve useless skills, I retired to seek refuge in my one true love: Netflix Instant Queue. I flipped around for a little while trying to find something that I hadn't seen already, when I came upon something that I hadn't seen in years.

Anybody ever heard of Wallace and Gromit?
They're these British stop-motion claymation short films by a guy named Nick Park, about an inventor who loves cheese (Wallace) and his dog (Gromit) who happens to be a mechanical genius and may be one of the few cartoon dogs that doesn't talk. And they are THE BEST. There's evil sheep-rustlers, a trip to the moon, funny newspaper gags, OH, AND AN EVIL PENGUIN.

Feathers McGraw don't take no shit. Yes, that really is his name.

 

 

They're only about a half hour long each, but it's a half hour packed with straight-up silliness and Gromit having to save the day. He's possibly the best dog ever. And the animation is really cool to watch, maybe it's just me but I really enjoy claymation and these guys do as good a job as any I've ever seen.
Seriously, go find these right now. While we're on the subject of cartoons you haven't seen... What's that? We who? I'm not actually having a conversation and saying 'we' is just a framing device to help me write this? SHUT YOUR TALK HOLE, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OVER HERE. Honestly, some people. Where was I.

Ah yes. Treasure Planet.

Yes, he's on the rigging of a sailing vessel in space. Don't ask.

First, take Treasure Island, the classic story with pirates and treasure and a young boy having a great adventure. Got it? OK, now take the whole thing and put in space with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Niles from Frasier.

Fun fact: His nickname in high school was "Frasier's brother". No one knows why.

Not sure why, but this particular Disney film didn't get anywhere near the recognition it deserved in my opinion. Probably because it's a little more complex than the usual Disney animated fare of the time. For example, the main character is a complete delinquent who acts out because his dad left, which isn't exactly the thing you want to show your impressionable young children. And the father figure he finds is actually a pirate who can't quite decide whether or not he's going to murder him and steal the treasure. Little hard to explain to your 6 year-old. Plus apparently the universe they live in has oxygen in space. Not sure how that works. Great movie though, classic Disney fun for the whole family (over the age of 13, that is).

I feel compelled to talk about one more (just cause I feel like two is not a good list, has to be at least three), so let's discuss The Road To El Dorado, which despite looking really cute and fun is really not for kids.

Not pictured: implied sex and religious figures using violence to seize power.

Story goes that these two hilarious rogues (voiced by Kevin Kline and... somebody else) win a map to El Dorado by cheating at dice and stow away on a conquistador's ship, who promises to whip the crap out of them for daring to hide in one of his apparently very important empty barrels. Cause he needs that air or something. ANYway, they escape, make it to the new world, get to El Dorado and are mistaken for gods. Wackiness ensues. They take advantage, fall in love, one of them has sex with the smartest girl in the place, and then they save the city. Wait, what was that last one?

Yeah, there's a scene where the two of them, about to be interrupted, bounce up and start putting their clothes back on. Oh, and the religious leader, who thinks that the gods should apparently be doing messed-up crap all day every day, decides to murder them and most of the city. Really good movie overall though, just make sure that the audience is old enough to get the dirtier jokes and it's a great time for all.

Have fun at church, kids.

That's it for today kiddies. Just to wrap things up, here's a picture of my good buddy AJ. Just cause he's great.

Fun fact: AJ is the king of a secret island nation where he is worshiped as a god due to his general awesomeness. It's an super sweet place, but you guys aren't invited.

Next time, we'll have Mr. Leonard Nimoy on the show to talk about his involvement in the Teapot Dome scandal. See you then!