An Open Letter To Internet Douchebags

Dear Internet Douchebags,

Hi! You don't know who I am, but that's cool because I don't know who any of you are either. We don't know anything about each other besides the fact that we both happen to be commenting on the same thing or playing the same game on Xbox Live. Which is fine, I don't really expect to be making life-long friendships with the people that I share opinions with from across the world. Chances are, I wouldn't even like you if we met in real life. So there's no problem with being momentary acquaintances and sharing an opinion real quick and then going back to our own lives, right? So why is it that a good portion of the interactions I have online end up either with somebody claiming ultimate superiority over me because they're better at a video game:

That cat is a dick.

Or trying to have a conversation with one of these:
(sNSFW)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What's up with that? I can't quite bring myself to believe that all of you are like this 24/7 and treat your friends and family like this, so there's got to be something else going on here. Maybe you just never learned how to interact on the Internet? Here's a couple tips:

1. When playing a game with someone, if you feel compelled to put on a headset to talk to the other players try not to talk too much. Remember, all you hear is the usual out-loud running commentary most people do while playing a game. But if you are constantly talking, the other players hear you. Constantly talking, possibly not even to your teammates or about anything slightly related to the game itself. So, rule 1 is:

Do it for the children.

Seriously, limit your talking to relevant things, like, "Dude, look out!" or "Nice shot, dude!" or even "Bro, I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on your rippling abs." Stuff like that.

2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." (This quote courtesy of every mom ever). Honestly, the best way to ensure that people continue to play a game or have a conversation with you is not making fun of their every mistake. If someone who has obviously never played Halo before drops a grenade at their feet, screaming "NICE TOSS NOOB" isn't going to help. And pointing out every tiny fault you see in someone's video or comment isn't a great way to find friends either.

No one wants to party with this guy.

It's kind of like yelling "NICE WALKING SKILLZ R-TARD" at a toddler every time it falls over. You wouldn't want to do that, would you? Wait, don't answer that, I don't wanna know.

3. Finally, just generally act like a decent human being. If you know that you wouldn't do or say something in public, why would think that it would be appropriate to act that way online? I know the lure of acting like a moron is tempting when you know that you're anonymous, but I'm pretty sure you know that telling someone you just slapped them in the face with your genitals isn't cool no matter where you are.

Appropriate situation for genital-face-slapping not pictured for obvious reasons.

I'm sure that if you guys really thought about your behavior, you'd know what the right thing to do was. And the right thing to do is to quit being such a douche and let everyone enjoy the Internet without getting yelled at for thinking and not being perfect. So please, consider the above and try to modify your behavior for the best.

And if you don't, legislation is moving through Congress that will require such behavior to be punished through sterilization of the offenders. So, you know, your choice.

Sincerely, Dr. Prof. James