Complete Cop-Out Post

Crap, I forgot to post yesterday. I'm just going to blame it on being an extremely busy college student stressed out by finals and you guys will have to accept that, K? OK, moving on.

So, uhh.... Shoot, can't think of anything.
Hey, look at this:

Don't judge, you know you've all done it.

That's funny, right?
Alright, I give up. Here, go watch this and I'll try again tomorrow.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Paid For By The Committee To Make Me Super Rich

OMG shoes.

Sweet, sweet feet covers.

I got new Converse. TWO PAIRS AT THE SAME TIME. My life is like Christmas, but all the time. Anyway, enough bragging about how super I am. I've recently realized that it would really be in everyone's best interest if I became super rich at some point in the future. How rich, you ask? Rich enough that I every time I felt like buying someone something, I could. Picture this:
Random friend: "I wish I had a Kindle, those things are hip-hoppin phresh, yo!"
One week later
Me: "Hello friend, I bought you a Kindle and a gift card for $100 on Amazon so you can start buying books! I hope it brings you great joy for the rest of your life!"
Random friend: "Thanks dawg! I finna get my read on at the local libary!"
*Scampers off through the wheat field*

This is how happy that guy is right now. You know you want in on that.

Sure, people say money doesn't buy happiness, but you know what? I think those people are doing something wrong. For me, money means not only can I go out and buy stuff that I want, I can get people stuff that they want too. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside like there's a burning poodle in my chest. I didn't realize this until recently, but I really love giving people things and compliments. Watching someone's eyes light up when I say something as simple as "Your hair looks really good today" makes me feel as good as the person getting complimented. And showing up with a present that you wanted but couldn't get yourself? Oh MAN, that's a good day for me.

So, let's review. I get a billion dollars, and the rest of you guys get to have cool stuff cause I like you. No downside. Plus I'd get to wear this thing everyday:

And ain't nothing wrong with that.

Just think about it. And stay on my good side, no stuff for the people I don't like.

Go Ahead And Leave... But I Want My Stuff Back

Anybody ever break up with somebody and then keep something they gave you, like a piece of clothing? But not like, as an everlasting memento of them and the undying love you shared, just cause you liked the thing. That's reasonable, right?
How about something you gave them that you really want back? Common courtesy is that you give that shit back, right? Well, that's what this video is about.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Anyways, I got nothing else to talk about tonight, nothing that I feel like sharing with the whole Interwebs anyway. Don't worry, the goodness will return tomorrow once I give a crap again. 

Peace out, ya'll!!

Keep Reaching For The Sousaphone

Women. Am I right, fellas? Trying to figure them and out and pick the right one out of the pack is like.... Like... Like you're a giraffe trying to play the sousaphone.

Courtesy of Left-Handed Toons

          

It's really hard, seems impossible, but you know that if you could just get it right it'd be the greatest thing in your life. Wait, no one really likes the sousaphone... Whatever, it would still be pretty cool. And since I'm such a sensitive, emotional, thoughtful, smart, attractive, athletic, well-groomed, good-smelling, gentlemanly... I'm getting off topic.
Anyway, I've been thinking about my past relationships a lot lately, mostly because whenever one ends I'm immediately convinced that it's all my fault and I examine everything I did wrong like it's CSI.

YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

But this time I ended thinking about all the girls I've had relationships with, and I realized something kinda interesting: they're all completely different. In terms of personality, intelligence, what they liked and disliked, even their ancestry. That last one was really cool to me, especially when I remembered that I could put little pins in Japan and Russia on my "Girlfriends of the World" map. You know, the huge one that I keep in my living room.

The point of this isn't to brag about how many girlfriends I've had or to talk about how great a boyfriend I am. Truth be told, I wasn't that great a boyfriend to some of those girls. But one piece of advice that I got that's helped me a lot is to not think of those relationships as failures, just to think of them as practice. I mean, we all know that the person you date for 4 months in the 9th grade isn't going to be your soulmate. Most of the people we meet and form romantic relationships with aren't going to be "the one". So there's no point in beating yourself up and blaming yourself when those relationships end, no matter whose fault it is. Just take the lessons you've learned, along with the things you learned to like and the skills you gained, and bring them to the next person smart enough to see how great you are.

All those different girls and women that came in and out of my life taught me something different about myself, and those relationships were lessons in what the ideal relationship for me truly is. I've learned bits and pieces of languages, I've tried new foods, seen new movies. I've had arguments about all kinds of stuff, learned how to just let stuff go instead of being a dick, how to let people do things the way they want to (even if I'm so sure my way is better), and that I need to stop trying to fix everyone all the time. And I've gotten a pretty good picture of the life I want to have with the woman who wants to be there with me. Like I said, I wasn't always a good boyfriend. But I'm keeping the lessons I've learned so that I can be a great one someday.

Reaching the sousaphone isn't easy. But if you keep stretching for it, some day you'll be there. And then you can annoy all your single friends with how much fun you're having.

Cartoons: Not Just For Kids And Slackers Anymore

First off, I'm pretty sure my legs have been cursed by Thore, Lisping God of Muthcle Acheth and Painth. Seriously, standing and walking haven't been this hard since I was two and my little chubby legs could just barely support my fat ass.
Second, apparently all the guys at my school (myself included) are only good at challenges that involve eating or playing video games. All the stereotypes are apparently true, alert the media.

And now... The healing can truly begin.

So, after losing every challenge at Battle of the Sexes that didn't involve useless skills, I retired to seek refuge in my one true love: Netflix Instant Queue. I flipped around for a little while trying to find something that I hadn't seen already, when I came upon something that I hadn't seen in years.

Anybody ever heard of Wallace and Gromit?
They're these British stop-motion claymation short films by a guy named Nick Park, about an inventor who loves cheese (Wallace) and his dog (Gromit) who happens to be a mechanical genius and may be one of the few cartoon dogs that doesn't talk. And they are THE BEST. There's evil sheep-rustlers, a trip to the moon, funny newspaper gags, OH, AND AN EVIL PENGUIN.

Feathers McGraw don't take no shit. Yes, that really is his name.

 

 

They're only about a half hour long each, but it's a half hour packed with straight-up silliness and Gromit having to save the day. He's possibly the best dog ever. And the animation is really cool to watch, maybe it's just me but I really enjoy claymation and these guys do as good a job as any I've ever seen.
Seriously, go find these right now. While we're on the subject of cartoons you haven't seen... What's that? We who? I'm not actually having a conversation and saying 'we' is just a framing device to help me write this? SHUT YOUR TALK HOLE, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION OVER HERE. Honestly, some people. Where was I.

Ah yes. Treasure Planet.

Yes, he's on the rigging of a sailing vessel in space. Don't ask.

First, take Treasure Island, the classic story with pirates and treasure and a young boy having a great adventure. Got it? OK, now take the whole thing and put in space with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Niles from Frasier.

Fun fact: His nickname in high school was "Frasier's brother". No one knows why.

Not sure why, but this particular Disney film didn't get anywhere near the recognition it deserved in my opinion. Probably because it's a little more complex than the usual Disney animated fare of the time. For example, the main character is a complete delinquent who acts out because his dad left, which isn't exactly the thing you want to show your impressionable young children. And the father figure he finds is actually a pirate who can't quite decide whether or not he's going to murder him and steal the treasure. Little hard to explain to your 6 year-old. Plus apparently the universe they live in has oxygen in space. Not sure how that works. Great movie though, classic Disney fun for the whole family (over the age of 13, that is).

I feel compelled to talk about one more (just cause I feel like two is not a good list, has to be at least three), so let's discuss The Road To El Dorado, which despite looking really cute and fun is really not for kids.

Not pictured: implied sex and religious figures using violence to seize power.

Story goes that these two hilarious rogues (voiced by Kevin Kline and... somebody else) win a map to El Dorado by cheating at dice and stow away on a conquistador's ship, who promises to whip the crap out of them for daring to hide in one of his apparently very important empty barrels. Cause he needs that air or something. ANYway, they escape, make it to the new world, get to El Dorado and are mistaken for gods. Wackiness ensues. They take advantage, fall in love, one of them has sex with the smartest girl in the place, and then they save the city. Wait, what was that last one?

Yeah, there's a scene where the two of them, about to be interrupted, bounce up and start putting their clothes back on. Oh, and the religious leader, who thinks that the gods should apparently be doing messed-up crap all day every day, decides to murder them and most of the city. Really good movie overall though, just make sure that the audience is old enough to get the dirtier jokes and it's a great time for all.

Have fun at church, kids.

That's it for today kiddies. Just to wrap things up, here's a picture of my good buddy AJ. Just cause he's great.

Fun fact: AJ is the king of a secret island nation where he is worshiped as a god due to his general awesomeness. It's an super sweet place, but you guys aren't invited.

Next time, we'll have Mr. Leonard Nimoy on the show to talk about his involvement in the Teapot Dome scandal. See you then!

Screw You, Internet

I haven't posted in a couple days, mostly due to a combination of lack of sleep and no good ideas. Plus I've been kinda moping over the fact that I don't think that many people are reading this crap. Plus I've had stuff going on in my personal life that I didn't really want to write about but was taking up a lot of room in my brain. So I didn't think that:
1. Any of that would make a good post or
2. That anyone would care anyway.

But then I remembered that I'm not writing this for you. I mean, yeah, I love when people comment or tell me that they really enjoyed something I wrote, but that's not why I started doing this. Hell, if I wanted to make sure people read this or to make money off it I should start writing a novel for teens about a misunderstood youth whose parents really don't understand them AND is trying to find his/her way in a brand new school AND suddenly discovers they have an exciting, danger-and-romance-filled destiny ahead of them.

And then I would wear this EVERY DAY.

But that's not the goal. Not yet, anyway. I'm just writing this cause I feel like it. SO. Consider the last couple of missed days a momentary lapse. Regular posts start again tomorrow. And if you don't read it? Well, screw you guys then. My mom reads it and she thinks I'm great.

I bet that money suit is too hard to keep clean anyways. 

Never Give Up! Maybe.

Did you guys think I wasn't gonna post today? WRONG. The streak continues!

Anyway, don't feel like talking about much, so I figured I'd phone it in and just do a quick one tonight. Which is also what she saidBOOM I'M HILARIOUS.
*Laugh track*

So, I pose a question to my thousands, perhaps billions of readers:

When do we give up? At what point in an endeavor does it make sense to quit and move on to something else? I mean, difficulty isn't a great measure, right? There's plenty of things that are difficult that are worth fighting through. And rationality isn't a perfect gauge either. People have always done things that didn't make logical sense and ended up achieving exactly what they wanted.
Do we give up when someone tells us to? How about when everyone tells us to? No, because despite their good intentions, they might be wrong. So how about when you feel like quitting. When you're looking at the path you've put yourself on and you think to yourself, "Screw it. This is stupid. I'm tired, and I don't want to do this anymore."

Is that right? Or maybe we have to push through that as well, realize that what we're trying to do is more important than what we feel at the moment, and keep going. And maybe, just maybe, fighting past all the obstacles and achieving what you set out to do is more important than the discomfort, unsureness and fear we feel when we doubt ourselves.

Or maybe not.

An Open Letter To Internet Douchebags

Dear Internet Douchebags,

Hi! You don't know who I am, but that's cool because I don't know who any of you are either. We don't know anything about each other besides the fact that we both happen to be commenting on the same thing or playing the same game on Xbox Live. Which is fine, I don't really expect to be making life-long friendships with the people that I share opinions with from across the world. Chances are, I wouldn't even like you if we met in real life. So there's no problem with being momentary acquaintances and sharing an opinion real quick and then going back to our own lives, right? So why is it that a good portion of the interactions I have online end up either with somebody claiming ultimate superiority over me because they're better at a video game:

That cat is a dick.

Or trying to have a conversation with one of these:
(sNSFW)

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

What's up with that? I can't quite bring myself to believe that all of you are like this 24/7 and treat your friends and family like this, so there's got to be something else going on here. Maybe you just never learned how to interact on the Internet? Here's a couple tips:

1. When playing a game with someone, if you feel compelled to put on a headset to talk to the other players try not to talk too much. Remember, all you hear is the usual out-loud running commentary most people do while playing a game. But if you are constantly talking, the other players hear you. Constantly talking, possibly not even to your teammates or about anything slightly related to the game itself. So, rule 1 is:

Do it for the children.

Seriously, limit your talking to relevant things, like, "Dude, look out!" or "Nice shot, dude!" or even "Bro, I've loved you since the first time I laid eyes on your rippling abs." Stuff like that.

2. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." (This quote courtesy of every mom ever). Honestly, the best way to ensure that people continue to play a game or have a conversation with you is not making fun of their every mistake. If someone who has obviously never played Halo before drops a grenade at their feet, screaming "NICE TOSS NOOB" isn't going to help. And pointing out every tiny fault you see in someone's video or comment isn't a great way to find friends either.

No one wants to party with this guy.

It's kind of like yelling "NICE WALKING SKILLZ R-TARD" at a toddler every time it falls over. You wouldn't want to do that, would you? Wait, don't answer that, I don't wanna know.

3. Finally, just generally act like a decent human being. If you know that you wouldn't do or say something in public, why would think that it would be appropriate to act that way online? I know the lure of acting like a moron is tempting when you know that you're anonymous, but I'm pretty sure you know that telling someone you just slapped them in the face with your genitals isn't cool no matter where you are.

Appropriate situation for genital-face-slapping not pictured for obvious reasons.

I'm sure that if you guys really thought about your behavior, you'd know what the right thing to do was. And the right thing to do is to quit being such a douche and let everyone enjoy the Internet without getting yelled at for thinking and not being perfect. So please, consider the above and try to modify your behavior for the best.

And if you don't, legislation is moving through Congress that will require such behavior to be punished through sterilization of the offenders. So, you know, your choice.

Sincerely, Dr. Prof. James

There's No Reset Button On This Game

Anyone else out there ever have those moments when you're just sick of being yourself? You know what, I'm just going to assume you do too. It makes me feel better.
Maybe I'm just dude-PMSing, but lately I've been feeling... I think restricted is the right word. As if there's a million things that I know I want to have and things I want to do, but I don't know what most of them are and I can't do the rest.

I feel like the best thing to do, RIGHT NOW, is go find a girl that I like, walk straight up to her and kiss her till she's breathless, then leave my old life behind with her as we journey across the land to find true purpose and happiness. We'd save the world, write a book about it, have two beautiful, intelligent children, and grow old together watching the sunset every night together at our home in the countryside. Oh, and there would be a giant tree like Forrest Gump had.

Of course, that smart, reasonable, thinking side of me knows that this is a crazy idea. That even assuming that I got the kiss and ran off with the girl (Hey, it could happen, I've been told I'm a pretty good kisser), the rest of that crap would never happen. Chances are, we'd run out of money, get crappy jobs to survive, and then she'd leave me for a biker named Buster. So don't get me wrong, I know well enough not to try it.

But you gotta admit, it's an appealing idea.

Think about it. If I could really do that, if I felt that I was entering the doldrums of my life wanted to make a huge change and live a new life, with a new person, with nothing but excitement and adventure ahead? If I could reinvent myself, leaving behind everything I didn't like about myself and taking on all the traits I'd always wished I had?

Hell yeah, I'd do it. And I hope you would be brave enough to do the same.

But, like I said, it doesn't work that way. There's no big red "RESET" button to press that will let us start over and be the people we want to be. And leaving everything behind, though it might work for some, won't work for most. So, I'm pushing myself out the doldrums in smaller ways. I'm trying new things, I'm talking to new people and some people that I haven't talked to in awhile, I'm working out again. Because I know that the changes I want to see in myself aren't just going to show up. If I want to be more confident, I have to step up and prove to myself that I am not a failure. If I want to look better, I have to get my ass out of bed and make myself move. And if I want to find that person who's going to watch the sunset with me when I'm old, I have to quit wishing and go look for her.

Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, it'd be a lot nicer if life worked like it does in the movies and you would just fall into the situations and people you always wanted without having to find them first. But it doesn't. And wishing it did isn't going to help.

This is as much for all of you out there as it is for me. None of us are perfect, and all of us have things that we want to, and can, change about our lives. But the way to start seeing those changes is to just START. Not tomorrow, not next week, today. Commit yourself to it and you'll be amazed at the results, I'm feeling better already.

But the only way to get yourself out of the doldrums is to paddle. So I guess we'd better get started.

Anything + Special Person = Memory

Warning: Mostly serious post ahead. Detour here or here to avoid seriousness.

Today's post was going to be about whether or not using excess babies as footballs was morally correct, but I received a strongly worded letter from the American Baby-Football League yesterday advising me against it. Turns out they're gaining quite a lot of popularity and some of the strong words in their letter were 'cease and desist'.

Cease and Desist is lawyer-talk for "Quit that shit."

SO. Instead I'm going to talk about something that I've been thinking about lately, that a good friend of mine got me pondering. He walked up to me the other day and asked me out of the blue if there were any foods that I had started eating because someone else (specifically a girlfriend) really enjoyed. I thought about it and realized that the answer was yes, there were a couple things that I had never really liked before, but started eating and now enjoy because the woman I was with at the time really liked them. We agreed that it was kind of strange, and there the conversation ended.

But then I couldn't help but keep thinking about it. Why do I like those foods all of a sudden? I don't think that my taste buds just changed all of a sudden to allow me to like them. I wasn't eating them just to make her happy, she didn't really care either way if I liked it or not. Not to mention that since then we've broken up, and I still enjoy those foods.

This didn't make sense to me until I decided to watch a movie that another ex had really enjoyed, that I thought sucked (The Chronicles of Riddick. Blergh). But at the time, I watched it with her anyway, because I knew it would make her happy. When it came on the other day, I sat down and watched it, and was surprised to find that I was enjoying myself. And I realized that it wasn't because of the movie, but because I associated that movie with the girl, and that night we spent together watching Vin Diesel fight dudes. That otherwise crap-tacular movie had become a connection to a good memory, to a pleasant moment that I will always remember when I see it.


When I thought about it, I realized that those memories are EVERYWHERE for me. There's a particular scent of perfume that makes me remember my first serious girlfriend, this thing:

Fear its soulless gaze.

Always reminds me of the first comic/anime convention I ever went to, because I bought the hat (which I didn't like) for my girlfriend at the time. There's a cologne that one of my father's best friends always wore, and the scent of it always makes me remember the time he showed up in Florida after walking across the country. There are songs that make me think of people I haven't seen in years, and then I wonder where they are.

It surprised me that I've never realized that anything and everything we do can become a connection to a person, and therefore a memory accompanied by all the emotions you felt for them. Especially because I can't remember what I had for dinner two nights ago, but show up in the right perfume and I can tell you all about a random day with someone four years ago. It's good and bad, since there are things that I really don't want to think about some days; the fights, the breakups, that emptiness when you know that someone is gone from your life.

But as painful as those bad memories can be, I wouldn't give it up for the world. Because there's nothing like the simple joy of putting on an episode of South Park and sinking back into those good memories of the people, the time, and the feelings you shared.

Goooood times.

Thanks for sticking with me through a serious post, I promise they won't all be like this. Unless you want more.
Comment below and tell me what you think, see you next time: Same Bat-time, Same Bat-channel.

The Kiwi Birds: Most Inspiring/Depressing Birds Ever

Before you start reading this, you have to promise me three things:
1. That you'll actually watch the video
2. You won't attempt what you see in the video
3. And you won't let it drag you down into depression.

OK? Pinky swear? Keeping in mind that if you break a pinky swear you WILL be kidnapped and placed in a Saw-style warehouse of traps where wild dogs will chase you until Mandy Patinkin (AKA Inigo Montoya) rescues you.

The best part? Only like five people in the world know what specific incident I'm referring to right now.

OK? Alright, go ahead and watch it.



Did you watch it?

You didn't watch it, did you. SCROLL UP AND WATCH IT OR I WILL RELEASE THE HOUNDS.


In case you don't know anything about kiwi birds and thus didn't get the video:
Kiwi birds cannot fly.

Probably cause they're so fat. It's called a treadmill, fatty bird.

That inspiring bird who has probably spent his entire life climbing up and down a cliff with trees on his back? Yeah, he's committing glorious suicide to fulfill his life-long dream of being in the cool bird club, the club for birds that can get their feathery butts high in the sky.

Like this falcon! Wait...

I seriously got all teary when I watched that video. It's all cute and fuzzy, the kiwi is using tools with his beak, and then you realize what's going on and BAM. Right in the heart strings, playing them like a banjo. Sigh... Oh Kiwi, couldn't you have started with parasailing or something before skipping straight to building a flight simulator consisting of trees and jumping off a cliff?
Probably not, because I don't think modern parasailing equipment is designed for the average kiwi bird.

They're just too darn fat.

That's all I have to say about inspiring/incredibly sad kiwi birds for now. Two things before I go:
1. Two posts in one day. Why hasn't my Pulitzer Prize gotten here yet? They probably picked the cheapest shipping.
2. See that little logo at the top of your screen next to the website address? Yeah, that took WAAAAAY too much time to get up there, I seriously spent a good hour and a half trying to figure it out. Please take a second to admire it so I don't feel like it was a complete waste of time.

And this will be on the midterm. Remember: Kiwi birds cannot fly because they are too darn fat. If the word 'evolution' appears in your answer you will fail.

P.S On a serious note, please comment if you have time, I'm still messing around with the format of this thingy and any feedback on what you like and don't like so far would be appreciated. Thanks!

Breaking News! Good Guys Win Again! (duh)

Fun fact about me: I LOVE THE MOVIES. Going to the movie theater, watching a movie at home, watching a movie online on Netflix, they make my day. When I go to the movie theater, I get there early and usually sit through all of the credits critiquing the movie that JUST ended with whoever I'm with (that and I'm waiting to see if those jerks hid a secret scene at the end. Don't you hate that? I'll talk about that sometime soon). Anyway, that's why when a friend was visiting yesterday we all (him, his girlfriend, his mom, my mom, my dad, my brother, and me) ended up going to see Unstoppable.

No, not this one.

Not this either. Though oddly this did pop up when I searched Unstoppable in Google.

That's the one!

For those of you who don't care about movies, this is the one where a train loaded up with a crap-ton of cars, including some containing hazardous material, is "lost control of" and ends up heading into oncoming train traffic at full speed and will surely jump the tracks at a curve located conviently right next to a huge group of fuel containers in the middle of a heavily populated area.

Nope, not making any of this up. Some moron decided that the best place to put a bunch of stuff that could explode was:
1. In the middle of a heavily populated area and,
2. Right where any train going more than 20 miles per hour would fall into it, causing said stuff to explode.

Not to mention that the guy who "lost control of" the train only lost control of it by being the epitome of fat, lazy, dumb redneck. The best part of the movie for me is that the aforementioned fat dumb guy is played by this dude:

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING. IMDB that mother if you don't believe me.

Seriously, when you hired the fat dumb guy from pretty much every movie, you had to know what was going to happen.

I'm getting off track. Ha, unintentional train joke!


What I really wanted to talk about is that from the moment I sat down in the theater last night, I knew without a single doubt that no matter how 'Unstoppable' and crazy-dangerous this train was, Captain Kirk was going to stop it and Creasy was going to help him learn about himself along the way. There were other attempts by the evil, money-obsessed train executives with their ties and their jackets to stop the train, but they didn't work (duh). So, of course I knew that by the end of the movie, the main characters would emerge victorious and vindicated after going rogue.

So why is it that at the climax of the film, when they're making their last ditch effort to stop it and one of them is hanging on for his life... I got tense for a moment and thought "Is he going to make it?!"

SPOILER ALERT!

Of course he made it and they stopped the train. Duh. Everybody knows that if the trailer says something about 'the underdogs' or 'impossible odds' or no one believes that the main characters can do it, they are totally going to do it.

Scientists refer to this as the Mighty Ducks Phenomenon.

I wasn't the only one who got pulled in for that one brief moment. I heard all the people around exhale in relief just like I did, and there was a good chunk of the audience that started clapping. I mean, come on. But when I thought back to similarly inspiring/impossible situation movies I've seen, I realized that no matter how much I talked or made fun of the movie throughout, I always get sucked in at the one scene where no one is quite sure whether or not Adam Sandler is going to get that last touchdown and win the game.

Maybe it's something about everybody feeling like the underdog sometimes and just wanting to see the good guys win. Or maybe the idea of the good guys NOT winning is so alien to us at this point that when it looks like they might fail, we all get freaked out because it's just so wrong.

Oh, that's it, I really don't know why that happens, I just wanted to talk about it for a little bit. If you guys have any thoughts feel free to comment, I'll see you all tomorrow for a rousing chat on whether or not having more babies for the sole purpose of using them as footballs is morally wrong.

Seriously, how could something this cute be wrong?

Stay classy!

Yeah, We Has It! or Why Having A Brother Is Cool

I have a brother. I know, it's a pretty common condition, but hear me out. The cool thing about having someone that you grew up around, shared a room with for a good chunk of your life, and who also emerged from the same womb as you is that you tend to think alike.

Womb-emerging not pictured for obvious reasons.

Case in point, my sibling recently came up with a new ad campaign for pretty much any business in the galaxy that I'm pretty sure is one of the best things ever. Just picture this commercial: A guy walks into a store, picture a big-box kind of place (Walmart, Target, whatever). He walks up to an employee and says, "Excuse me, do you has t-shirt?" The employee looks at him and responds, "Yeah, we has it!" The guy gets excited and asks, "Well, do you has copiers?" The employee responds excitedly, "Yeah, we has it!!" This can go on for a couple different items, but the guy and the employee just keep getting more excited, eventually yelling back and forth, "DO YOU HAS IT?!?!" "YEAH, WE HAS IT!!!". 

Like THIS excited.

Cut to logo of the store, with the slogan "Yes, you CAN has it." And you can customize that to fit any business. McDonald's? "Burgers? Yes, you CAN has cheeseburger." Puppy stores? "Yes, you CAN has puppy." The possibilities are virtually endless. I say 'virtually' because I didn't do the math and I don't want to.
Now don't lie. If every time you walked into a store or restaurant and asked for something, the employees responded with a cheerful "Yeah, we has it!" or "Yes, you can has it!" you'd buy a lot more stuff. Granted, you'd probably also spend a lot more time in Wal-Mart forcing the employees to say stuff like, "Yes, you CAN has sex lube!" but that's the price they pay for working there.

That, and they have to see stuff like this. Rawr. 

(Editor's note: if the above picture made you start singing "Who's That Lady?" to yourself, seek medical attention.)

The coolest thing about this whole idea, to me anyway, is that as soon as he started talking about it I could picture it exactly the way he was. We spent the rest of that day inserting "Yes, you CAN has it!" into pretty much every sentence we could. And I know that a lot of you reading this aren't going to think that this is as cool and hilarious an idea as we obviously do, but I don't care. Half the jokes we tell are such obscure references that the rest of the world wouldn't get it anyway. And honestly, that's one of my favorite things about having my fellow womb-escapee around.

Moral of the story: Womb is a fun word to type. Try sneaking it into your next school paper, kids!

Fabulous First Friday Fpost!

Hey there Internet! Who likes to read?

  These kids love it! But they're SUPER high right now.

Aww, who are you kidding? You know you love staring at your screen for hours on end when you should be working or studying. And those of you that know me in real life (I call it meat-space) have repeatedly mentioned that warm, fuzzy feeling you get from getting a taste of my genius. So, being the generous guy that I am, I've decided to share my awesomeness for the whole world to sit and stare at. Don't expect anything concrete in the way of topic, I'm pretty much gonna talk about whatever I happen to be thinking about that day.

Like this, except I don't know what my own butt tastes like. Oh, and I'm not a dog.

 So yeah, expect more soon, I'm gonna try to keep this thing updated at least three times a week. Also check out the Required Reading links to see some other stuff you'll probably end up enjoying a lot more than this thing. See ya when I see ya!